22 GAY PEOPle's ChroNICLE SEPTEMBER 12, 1997

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E-mail me at HomAmerica@aol.com

Century 211.

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REALTOR

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BIG TIPS

Why should I date, when solo sex is so good?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

There is nothing cleaner or more organized than my apartment when I'm supposed to be accomplishing something other than cleaning or organizing my apartment. For six hours today, in lieu of working, I have dedicated myself to tasks of such minute importance, you would have to train an electron microscope on them to detect their significance.

I made addressed, stamped envelopes for the next 12 months with which to mail in my rent. I established a designated poker money jar, then scrounged around for all my loose change to fill it. I dusted my prison art with QTips. I vacuumed the tops of my books. Believe me, if my beads weren't already sorted by color and material into a 60-drawer bin, I would have been all over that.

The sick and illogical part of this behavior (in case you're still looking for that part) is that, an activity that was almost a recreational distraction from the more serious items on my "To Do" list, if neglected long enough itself, can ultimately become the most onerous item on that list. I think I will have truly attained enlightenment when I am able to transform those most pressing tasks into recreational distraction.

Dear Big Tipper,

When I was in sex education class in high school, and they told us that masturbation was a healthy part of sexual development, I never imagined that I would turn it into basically my entire sex life! I'm 23, and had my first girlfriend last year. I knew I was gay a year before that. I've never gone out with guys, and once I figured out how to masturbate and have orgasms that way in 9th grade, I've never felt like I was really desperate for sex.

never wanted to go out with guys in high school or college, and when I became attracted to my [now] ex-girlfriend, that previous lack of desire made sense, but although I enjoyed sex with her, I still came more quickly and reliably with myself. We had a good time together, but we weren't really in love, and broke up after a few months.

I realize now that I'm attracted to women, and they catch my eye, but I wonder if it's worth really going out with anyone, if the sex will never really be as great as what I can do alone. Why should I bother? Is something wrong with me?

Having Sex With Someone I Love

Dear Palm Rita,

I feel compelled to tell you something my bud Dan Savage frequently says: Queers are often behind the curve on sexual development, because while straight kids do their training in making out and flirting and sex as teens, frequently we're doing it in our twenties. It just takes us a little longer to find out who we are, and who we want to be focusing our sexual energies on.

•

You're fine, and more power to you for being an unrepentant masturbator. It means you'll be good at knowing what gets you off when you want to tell someone good to do it for you. You should know that almost everyone gets off more reliably while masturbating than with another person; and frequently, the orgasms are more powerful when you're treating yourself.

On the other hand, there are some great positions you can't get into by yourself, and neither your vibrator nor your hand can surprise you with waffles when you're still in bed. By now you've probably got a brilliant, if specific, technique: the world awaits!

Dear Big Tipper,

My lover has been kind enough to let me out of bed long enough to ask you just one question. Why, when I can do the most deliciously filthy things to him, must I remain completely silent while doing so?

I've been with men who were loud, and those who were not so vocal, but I'm the only one I know who's completely silent. My lovers know I'm excited by how I move, but I just don't have very much to say during "the

act.

"

Now I'm with a great guy who's hot for me to talk dirty, and I've never even made so much as a peep, never mind full foul sentences. The sex is great so far, and I want to make him happy, but I just can't imagine having this sort of "conversation." How can I do this?

Dear Clara Bow,

Mary Pickford

I'll try to answer you quickly, so you can hop back in bed. Lots of folks grow up having silent sex with themselves. With mom and dad in the next room, and some sib in the bottom bunk, there's pretty strong motivation to "pitch a pup tent" or "pet the bunny" as quietly as possible. Some people shed this silence without thinking, and some folks are quiet for the rest of their lives.

Something to consider is whether or not you find it sexy when your lovers let out auditory evidence of their pleasure. Just hearing someone moan, or tell you that you're hitting just the right spot can be a real ego boost, and hot to boot. You don't have to start out talking; let a little hum of pleasure rumble around in your chest.

Once that feels comfortable, you might like to check out Exhibitionism for the Shy, by Carol Queen. It even has a glossary of dirty words in the back, in case you're a little rusty from hanging out in reputable places. Bon chance, you dirty, nasty slut. ✓

Send your burning questions on life and love to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone @drizzle.com.

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